Every morning I listen to mindless morning radio on my way to work.
I don't listen to the Jesus station. I listen to a station that has a morning show where they spend the entire time talking about what amounts to nothing.
I like that because I don't really want to think about anything in the morning. I am not and will never be a morning person.
But the other morning a lady called in about a host of bad things that had happened to her family over the last few years and I was struck by something she said.
I can't quote her exactly but basically she said that you always hear that God will never give you more than you can handle and she was wondering if maybe she should send a memo to God reminding him of all they had been through as family. She wanted to maybe convince him that they had had enough to handle.
And while I share a lot of stuff on my blog, I also keep a lot of stuff private just because it is the right thing to do. But I will tell you that yesterday, my 33rd birthday, I was at the point where I have had enough. It will never make sense to anyone else as most of my struggles have built up for months and years. But yep, I was done. I am tired. I broke down.
And there are 364 days a year when it is not my birthday and somehow my point of being done had to fall on the one day when I should be able to celebrate me being me.
And I'm not telling you all of this for pity or so you will feel my pain.
I'm telling you this so that I can now tell you that I got through and I get through every day because I have people in my life that care about me no matter what.
My mother in law and my children spent hours yesterday baking a cookie cake for me from scratch. The kids decorated the house with streamers and signs celebrating me. The gifts from Evan, the kids and my in-laws were thoughtful and meaningful. Everything was done out of love for me. Which is what I needed most, to feel loved.
So I will not argue with the Bible or with God about when I feel like enough is enough. I only hope that one day I will have the faith to stop questioning the life I've been given.
For the life I've been given includes a support staff of people who will always help me through.
Like a waterfall in slow motion, Part One
2 years ago
You are not alone in your feelings Lori. I struggle the constant mind game of never feeling like whatever I do is good enough. I could exercise 30 minutes a day, but look at myself and say "you aren't very strong. You couldn't make even 45 minutes." or I could spend 3 hours playing with Ella at the park and look at myself and say "a good mother would have spent more time." etc. etc. etc. about every mundane thing.
ReplyDeleteSo whatever things you are struggling with...just know you are not alone. And I think you are awesome!
I appreciate your honesty in this post.I'm not going to try and say something to make it feel better because I'm not really sure what you are going through and how it is making you feel. However, I will say that in your pain and suffering through this past year, you have managed to BE Jesus and show people who He is even in the midst of your storm. That's pretty amazing. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteSorry yesterday wasn't great. Wish there was something I could have done. Hoping things are looking up today!
ReplyDeleteI miss you.
ReplyDeleteJeni