Pain

I met 4 people yesterday that were in some sort of pain.

One of them wasn't old enough to explain her true pain to me.
But I knew exactly what it was- she wanted he Mommy. She needed comfort and I was not her remedy. In her eyes, there was nothing I could do. And I totally understood where she was coming from. I have the same feeling sometimes too. Not necessary "I want my Mommy" but the feeling that I just need to be comforted.

The next person I encountered was truly in pain. Has been for months now. And all sorts of treatments are being used to try and make her feel better. And all I could do for her was promise that I will pray for her to feel better soon. That's all I've got I can do. I hope God hears me so that she can feel better.

The third lady I interacted with yesterday had a mental anguish that only she can truly understand. In ways, I felt like I really did understand what she was going through. But I wonder if I really do. I know I have been through alot emotionally lately, but to hear her speak broke my heart. And so I gave her a hug and told her to forget all of the people that are causing her doubt and grief. And for her I will also pray. I will pray that God will give her an easy path to follow. And that those who have turned away for her will stop being so selfish. Because only she and God know what she needs.

And finally I saw someone that left a permanent picture in my brain. A man whose wife had recently passed away. And the pain I saw was so deep. I felt like I could see right to his soul when I looked into his eyes. They were hollow and tired. Fresh with grief. And I will forever carry that memory with me. And I will say extra prayers of comfort that only God can bring to someone that has lost their love.

So yeah, I have felt pain. I remember like it was yesterday the physical pain of bringing my babies into the world. I remember the pain of losing loved ones. I remember the heartbreak I felt seeing Evan laying in a hospital bed in pain after surgery.
But after yesterday, I learned an important lesson about pain.
You can never assume that you understand the true pain that some one is feeling.
As each of these people showed me that I have no clue what they are feeling.
I was merely a bystander for a few moments in each of their lives.
And I promise not to try and understand how it feels.
And I hope people also don't try and understand my pain.
But I do hope that I will be the greatest comfort I can be.
Not judging or acting like I know.
But doing whatever it may be that will show them I care.
Even if it's a simple prayer or just being quiet and listening.

Catiously Optimistic

In a surprising turn of events, Evan's bloodwork is starting to show signs of improvement. And by improvement I mean that the numbers indicate that his cancer might be reacting to his previous treatments and is reducing or going away. What? really? How could that be?
It's God folks. He hears our prayers. He hears your prayers. And He is treating this cancer himself. And I put all of my faith in believing that He is ready to heal Evan.
But it is not without fear.
Fear that these numbers are somehow off. Because we have heard from multiple doctors that there are many factors that can cause the numbers to be off. Were they all tested at the same lab? Was the same method of testing used each time? Was Evan's body producing an anti-body that causes the test to not be valid?
We are praying that the numbers are in fact correct. We are praying that God is giving us a clear reading. That He is ready to close this chapter of our lives.
So I ask that you continue to pray with us. Pray specifically at 3:30 on Friday (23th). As that is when we go back to Emory to meet with the surgeon. The surgeon that has been picked to perform the lymph node surgery that we hope will not have to happen. We are going in knowing that there is a good possibility surgery will happen. But maybe these new numbers and an upcoming MRI or CAT scan will make surgery unnecessary.
Wouldn't that be awesome?
To witness first hand that God does heal. God is bigger than cancer.

And the doctor said, "Is he weird?"

Let me start by saying that for the first time in 6 months I feel like I can breathe.
I feel like I completely understand Evan's health and what lies ahead in the future.
I feel as though I can trust doctors again. And for all of you who come here to get your updates, here is why-
Yesterday we met with Evan's oncologist. Let me preface all of this by saying that the first time we met with this guy I was NOT impressed. I just had the feeling that this particular doctor treated us as though we were overly concerned. He seemed to be uninterested and bothered by us being there. And I blamed all of his demeanor on the fact that he did not consider thyroid cancer to be one of his specialties. So I was ready to find another doctor. And I'm pretty sure Evan was too. But something changed and it was for the good.
When we met yesterday, we (me and Evan) went in ready to obtain copies of all of his records and tell this doctor that we were ready to take Evan's health elsewhere. That didn't happen. From the second we sat down until the second we left the building, Dr.K did all he could to prove that he was ALL OVER Evan's case. As it turns out, I think the doctor was bombarded the first time with Evan's paperwork and we saw him too soon after he received the records. I feel certain he had NO IDEA that he was seeing a 33 year old male with Hurthle Cell Carcinoma. And he was not ready to give any opinions at that point as he was ill prepared.
But yesterday was totally different. Dr. K called other specialists, read up on Hurthle and was ready to tell us yesterday that he had a doctor at Emory he felt certain could be of help in Evan's case. He admitted that it will take a team of specialists to figure this all out. And he vowed to make sure that Evan has every test needed to ensure that his cancer is contained and eventually destroyed. He also went over the most recent blood work with us and the results were answers to prayer. Evan's thyroglobulin levels were at a point where we KNOW that the radiation is continuing to work. And there is a chance that the cancer is almost GONE! And if it's not, we will find out from an ultrasound later this week. At which point, decisions can be made.
So I am one happy girl, I don't know why I ever doubted that God would get us to a good place. But He has. There is a plan and a timeline. And for that I am thankful.
As a side note, Dr. K turned to me yesterday and said, "Is he weird, because this is all weird!". I appreciated that. A doctor who admits that he is baffled and at the same time makes sure Evan will be taken care of. He also said that in his 7 years of practicing oncology in a practice, he has never seen Hurthle Cell Carcinoma. And he also said that he feels like there are probably LESS THAN 400 cases ever! We had heard 400 but he said he's not sure there are that many.
So yes, EVAN IS WEIRD! But I love him dearly. And I hope by him being weird, God will be glorified. Because I feel certain that God is using my Evan to change the lives of those around him. And if you don't believe me, ask Evan about the email he received from a guy in his industry who said he wants to ask God back into his life because of Evan's story. I'm not making that up. I saw it with my own eyes. And I am honored and privileged to be married to a man who can take cancer and faith and build a beautiful story.
Keep up the prayers as this all will be days/months/years of continued follow-up. And we still don't know exactly what the future holds. But God is good and He has the ultimate plan.

If only I would listen

For weeks now I have been looking at Matthew 6:34. In case you don't know what it says, here is the text: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (NIV)
In some versions of this passage the word "worry" is substituted by the word "anxious". In my case, both of these words apply. I am both worried and anxious. And the interesting thing about my worry and anxiety is that I KNOW BETTER. I know that we will be taken care of. I know that there is a plan that was set forth for our lives even before we were born. I know, I know, I know. And yet I let the devil and the world around me seem bigger than God. And they are not. For I will continue to lean on God and pray that I will trust that he will lead us in the direction where we need to be.
Dear God,
I give you my worries, my troubles and my anxiety. And I will take the peace that comes only from my relationship with you. AMEN