Waiting rooms

I am pretty much over hospitals, doctor's offices and labs.
I'm writing this post from a waiting room. A place I feel like I have been one too many times.
I have to have one more scan in hopes of figuring out what the heck is wrong with me.
This one is a little more scary than all of the others, but I don't mind.
As long as I know something after it's over. Well I mean, I'll know something in a week.
And for all of these people sitting around me in this room, I hope that they all know the love of Jesus and they put their trust in Him.
I'm not sure how I would get through times like this without my faith.

Ballerina Girl

If I could have fabricated a plan for the perfect child, I imagine that child would be the spitting image of our daughter Haley.

It's hard as her mom to convey how wonderful she is, as it might be considered bragging or boastful. But honestly, I just adore her with all of my heart.

Her spirit is just so beautiful. She truly loves everyone and everything.

Most importantly, she holds a strong faith in God and uses that as a foundation for the rest of her life.

She happens to be quite beautiful in my opinion, but her true beauty runs deep into her soul.

Haley is smart, imaginative, witty and has a contagious personality. She can quickly make friends with people both old and young, and she has a natural motherly disposition that makes her love toddlers and babies.

Did I mention she also loves sports like golf and kickball, but can dance ballet with a grace like no other?

There is nothing I don't just love about my sweet girl.

And I see her growing up so fast right before my eyes. But unlike most her age, I see her growing in her faith and in her heart more than I see her being selfish and self-centered.

My hope and prayer for Haley is that she will always be reminded of how beautiful her heart is and that she will use it to make a difference in this world that needs people like her.

I envision her as a missionary. I simply think she will always be a servant of others. Whether that is in the mission field or in a classroom or in corporate America is up to her. But I feel certain she will lead and she will make a difference.

It's strange now to think back to the time when I was so scared of having a little girl. What would I do with a girl? As it turns out, I haven't had to work that hard, as God gave me a sweet little image of himself to share my life with.

One final Milestone

Last night I completed the six weeks of maintenance with Weight Watchers and became a lifetime member! Basically that means I don't have to pay anymore to go to meetings as long as I stay within my goal range.
I am super excited to be at this stage as not many people carry it through to the end, so it's a part big deal.
Part of my reaching lifetime meant that I had to do a little talk during our meeting about what this whole journey has meant to me.
That was tough. I teared up a few times as the emotion of the last few years was brought full circle. Standing in front of our group and explaining that I am who I am today because of trials like my husband's cancer and my own poor health was hard. But as I lloked around the room at people I have gotten to know pretty well, I realized that everyone needs to hear that success can come from adversity.
I imagine most people attending something like a Weight Watchers meeting want to hear that they are not alone. That one day their story might matter to someone else. And that is exactly what I told them.
SO I'm finished. I've said my WW testimony and I'm rockin' a healthier, trimmer body.
And it is my hope that like all of the other stories I've shared with people in hopes of being an inspiration, I will continue to share my weight loss story with those that want to hear it.
Did I mention I've been asked to apply for a job with Weight Watchers?? Oh dear!

May oh My

I'm not real thrilled with the month of May right now.
I won't go into details, but man am I worn out from all of the drama that has been going on.
A little bit of Grey's Anatomy with a sprinkling of The Apprentice and a dab of Days of Our Lives.
Hopefully things will wing down just like the above stated TV shows are coming to their respective season finales.
Here's hoping the summer gets here sooner than later!

Stats

This picture looks ridiculous I know.

It was taken on a Thursday night when I was worn out and just not really in the mood for a photo.

But the true purpose of the picture is so that I can keep a record of how far I have come in my weight loss journey. I have to keep reminding myself of the new me and how much I want to remain in my current shape.

44 pounds smaller. 12 inches gone from my waist.

A size 6 or 8 depending on the brand- not a size 16 like I once was!

The shorts in the picture above I wore all the time last summer.

Not anymore! This summer I will enjoy being half that size.

And I will enjoy being active and feeling good as well, since that is really what it is all about.

Anesthesia

I totally understand why Michael Jackson had a doctor who he regularly had come in to his home and put him under.
I mean who would not love to be able to be completely unaware of life for a few hours every now and again.
Precisely how I felt today for the better part of forty five minutes.
One minute I was going on and on to this really great nurse Bernadette about how I was married to the greatest man alive. And the next minute I was out. Gone. All the while having a long probe stuck up my butt.
Ain't life grand?
Is it not just the coolest thing ever that we can literally be removed from our bodies and our lives and have medical procedures that should cause all kinds of pain? And we don't know or feel a thing. I think it's a medical marvel.
But I do have to wonder about some of the stories those nurses must hear right as they push the button to inject the sleepy drug.
The last thing I remember today, aside from my rant about Evan being the greatest husband ever, was when the nurse commented on how she loved my dimples and she always wanted dimples. Who knows what I said after that.
But I imagine that nurse probably tweets or blogs under a pseudoname. And she probably has some really great stories she shares with the general public.
Just as long as she doesn't share anything about my backside, we are good!

Just another Tuesday

It's 9:07 in the morning on a Tuesday and I am at home.
No work today as I have spent the last 16 hours preparing for a series of GI tests.
I haven't eaten a morsel since Sunday night at 6:00.
Needless to say I'm a little edgy and a lot hungry.
But I have had the pleasure of consuming 64 oz. of Gatorade, 4 Dulcolax and a bottle of Miralax.
In case you are ever in the need for a good time, just try that combination.
It's guaranteed to make you move like you've never moved before!

A little after noon today I will be checked in to the hospital, sedated and violated all in the hopes of finding out why I live in digestive misery.
Not sure how I feel about all of this.
Obviously I would love to know if something is wrong so it can be fixed. But there will always be the part of me that fears the results.
Is there really an issue that I haven't known about and will find out about today?
Or will I be filed away in the drawer full of patients who get lumped into the IBS category?
Trust me, I know my bowels are irritable! No need for that diagnosis.

But I digress. Ultimately, I just want to feel good again. Is that too much to ask for?
So as always, I covet your prayers today. One simple prayer please- a clear answer as to why I have been so sick.
And I promise after that, you don't have to hear about my insides anymore!

When I Grow Up

My life has changed in so many ways the last few years.
There are obvious changes- my weight and my very blonde hair color. I have a new job.
And most of you know that I have changed as a human being because of my growing love for Christ and my family through the trials cancer brought our way.
But the not so obvious changes that have happened in my life really are starting to reek havoc on what I know as normal.

As it turns out, all of the changing and growing I have done lately has basically created a new me. Someone who has new priorities, new goals and new dreams.
All of this I did not realize until my life forced me to make choices. And the choices I have made as of late do not necessarily line up with the person I have grown to be. The person that wants to help others. The one that wants to be the best wife and mother possible.
So now I am in a really weird place. A place that is uncomfortable. A place where I feel lost.
Doesn't sound so good huh?
Nope.
I've never felt this way. Never been so uncertain about myself.
Someone who is confident by nature is now floundering about.
And I find myself turning to God for answers and I think I'm getting clear direction.
But the realities of that direction have consequences for which I fear.
And in all of this I only know a few things are certain.
God loves me.
My family loves me.
And I want to love people and do good in this world.
So with those certainties, I pray for clarity and for peace for my life.
Peace I felt so sure of back in February when cancer left our lives, but a peace that eludes me now as I try and figure out who I am.